For as long as I can remember I’ve been a FAT girl trapped in a SKINNY world. Cursed with the genes from my Hispanic side (Dad) I’ve never been thin or even remotely thin. I was raised around my mother’s side of the family which are all thin or in extremely good shape. During family get togethers I was the odd ball out, always known as the chubby one. While my grandparents would welcome my sister and cousins with “You’re even more beautiful than before.” I was stuck receiving lectures on how I needed to work out. In fact I never left before hearing about the latest diet or weight loss pills on the market. I know they meant well but it could be pretty devastating for a young girl. My mother put me in sports as soon as I was old enough and I stayed active throughout high school. I never could consider myself thin but I was at a weight that I was much happier at then now. I quit softball my junior year and it went downhill from there. Apparently when I decided to stop exercising I forgot to cut back on my calories. Big mistake! The pounds starting piling on. I found comfort in boys. Then after highschool it turned to finding comfort in men. See…when you offer up sex it seems that men don’t really mind what size you are. I don’t think they care about anything but that to be honest. If you have a pulse you’re good. I probably shouldn’t have even gone there but it’s true and its apart of my past that I need to deal with. I went through guy after guy searching for something or someone to make me happy. It was impossible since I was never happy with myself. Luckily I was over that stage by the time I turned 25 but the damage was already done at that point. Over the past few years my weight has fluctuated but I’ve never been below 200lbs. After my daughter was born I immediately lost 40 lbs. Now I’m sad to say that I’ve gained it back and then some. Ouch! Over 40lbs in a year? I still can’t believe it. I know what and how it was caused but I don’t understand why I allowed it to happen. I don’t want to always be the fat one in the family or the chubby girl out of my circle of friends. I’m not okay with that. You’d never know that I have a huge passion for fashion and sports. I’d love to join a softball team and to be at the gym 24/7. Why haven’t I? Embarrassment. That probably sounds incredibly stupid to most seeing as if I did those things I probably wouldn’t be where I’m at but its true. People stare and make comments and I’ve just never been able to ignore them. Then there is the issue with fashion--à Stylish plus size clothes are hard to come by and when I find them they are usually ridiculously overpriced. Shopping with my sister (size 4) has been mortifying. I love all of the stores she goes into but I basically spend my time browsing at jewelry and accessories because there is no way even my thigh would fit into half of their items. Instead I stock up on the latest issue of Vogue and dream of the day I can slip into the little black dress every woman wants to have in her closet. Thoughts of walking into a club side by side with my knock out sister have also been put to rest. I had big plans to party it up with her once she turned 21 but the fact is that I have not been out once downtown with her. I just feel like I would look weird showing up with my skinny sister and all of her hot skinny friends. Again you will notice that my weight issue seems to be more mental than anything else. I have so many demons I need to battle regarding my weight and there is a definite need to work on my issues with emotional eating. Mentally I feel like my best option is to do exactly this. Vent! Blog! Possibly even start taking therapy sessions. No, I’m not crazy but I need to figure out what’s going on up in this head of mine. I think once I get a hold on the mental aspect the rest of it will become much easier. Tell then, I’ll just be…..
A FAT GIRL TRAPPED IN A SKINNY WORLD!
No comments:
Post a Comment