I did it again...

Well, here I go doing it to myself again.  Maybe my sister’s right.  Maybe I do have a low self-esteem.  I never thought I did in the past.  I’ve always felt that I’m just realistic and know there are things about myself (weight) that really need to be corrected before myself or anyone else can view me as being physically attractive.  Wow…now that I’m typing that I guess it does scream “LOW SELF-ESTEEM”!!! 

Anyhow, so I had this crush all throughout high school on someone and recently we’ve somewhat reconnected.  Thanks Facebook!  It’s weird chatting with him online being that we never really said much in school just because I was extremely shy and always felt like he was out of my league.  I vaguely remember us flirting a time or two in class but that is as far as it went.  I never pursued him because even back then (much smaller than I am now) I thought he’d be like, “Who is this fat chick hitting on me?”  So…once Algebra was over, so was my crush.  Now that we’re trying to get to know one another again the flirtation has picked up right where it left off.  I try not to but I can’t help it and apparently neither can he.  He wants to see each other and even suggested a walk on the beach one of the nights I’m in Florida.  Apparently the stars are amazing, so he says.  I’d just get lost in his eyes.  Lol..oh man that was cheesy.  But you get the idea.  So here is my chance to actually follow through and let him know that I’m interested right?  I mean how many times do we get 2^nd chances.  Nope!  Not Tiffany!  Instead I suggested he meet my sister because she was more his “type”.  He seemed to get a little irritated with me that I thought he had a “type” and assured me that while he didn’t have a type, I would be just fine for him.  Ugh!  Now I feel even more awkward meeting him again.  Does he not realize I’m even heavier than I was in high school?  I know he’s had to see my pictures on Facebook and while most are from the chest up (my best feature) *insert devilish grin* there are still a few full body pics on there.  The last thing he wants is to walk down the beach hand and hand with a whale.  FML!  So now I’m stuck seeing him in Florida because I can’t be rude and cancel.  Obviously deep down I’d love to see him but knowing that I basically will be pushing my sister on him completely ruins it.  See, this is what I always do.  Anytime a guy is remotely interested in me and I don’t think he’d actually be physically attracted to someone of my size I immediately look for the “sub”.  No, I’m not a completely fatty.  I wasn’t talking about the sandwich.  I meant the substitute.  The pretty friend or in this case…the tall, skinny BEAUTIFUL little sister.  Someone to push the guy off on so he thinks there is no way I’d ever be interested.  You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve done this.  It’s kinda sad.  Sometimes it’s worked out great, sometimes…not so great.  Either way it’s a pattern I’ve stuck with for years and I don’t think it will be changing anytime soon.

Reflection time….

Yes I know I have some major self-esteem issues and I truly am working on them.  I’ve joined SP and I’m hoping it will help a lot with my weight loss journey.  I know this is more mental than anything else but I still feel like once the weight is off it will be so much easier to get everything else back to normal.  I’m a good catch.  This I do know.  I feel like I have a great personality and a good heart.  I love to laugh and typically can get along easily with most men.  Intellectually while I did not attend college I can still hold my own in a room full of Harvard grads.  Why?  Because I’m like a sponge.  I love to learn and soak up every detail.  Yes, I’m that girl who can recite random facts at the drop of a hat.  Is that weird?  I love sports as well and if I was in better shape I’d love to play them again.  After all, I did grow up being very active in athletics and my entire family are sports fanatics. The range of people I’ve surround myself with in the past reflect my very diverse taste with life in general.  I can have happy hour with the business professionals.  I’ve been introduced to the music scene by a few local rap artists who I now can call my friends. A few spinsters to hit downtown with.  Oh I could even throw in a few “spinners”…I know, shocking.  Lol   I have the country friends to go fishing with and drool over Tim McGraw.  There are the jocks who have softball games 24/7 or spend their weekend running marathons and hiking in the mountains. The earthly granolas who live in Barton Springs and Whole Foods. Then there are the “mommies”.  These ladies I hang with even more so now that I have a daughter of my own.  So as you can see I don’t keep my options limited when it comes to friends.  So why do I limit myself when it comes to dating?  I’ve just always assumed I have to go for the less attractive guy.  Someone who is more introverted so that I don’t feel inadequate in social settings.  Basically….a very boring ass individual.  I don’t go out partying anymore and I definitely rarely do any outdoor activities.  I’d love to spend the day out at the lake or join in a few softball games.  Hit up downtown again “the right way” and do some more traveling.  Why do I feel like I have to just crawl in a cave til I’m skinny?  I really need to figure this out because I’m going to miss out on someone and something great.  I’m tired of just letting life pass me by.  It’s time for a change.